Senate Bill: 0069 - The Privatization of My Cock

There's a lot of privatization talk going around lately, what with George W. Bush's landslide pummeling of John Kerry in the polls and the mandate that goes along with a .001% margin of victory. The president, at his first press conference after winning the election, talked of the "political capital" that he was now free to spend.

First on the agenda seems to be his stated desire to privatize social security. I'm all for it. If you're a shitty investor, you don't deserve to be taken care of by the state-- your infirmities and/or your old age be damned. Then there's Bush's "No Child Left Behind" education privatizing scheme. If you go to a shitty school, well, then fuck you. You're shit out of luck, sucker. Your district wouldn't know how to spend the federal funds it received if it got them. And let's not forget the Bush/Cheney accomplishment of further privatizing the military. Hopefully, we will soon have an all-mercenary armed forces. And Gary Jackson, the president of Blackwater USA, one of the top private military firms in the country, is wholly on board. As he put it, "I would like to have the largest, most professional private army in the world." I say, fuck yeah, my brother! If I was rich, I might hire Blackwater myself-- I'm sick of all the graffiti in my neighborhood (I guess there's always the Guardian Angels).

Then there's this from today's Washington Post, which I received via Trapper John at Daily Kos. And this really, really makes me motherfucking happy!

"Officials at Dulles International and Baltimore-Washington International airports said they are considering the replacement of federal airport screeners at security checkpoints with workers employed by private contractors.

The Transportation Security Administration this week invited airports to apply to leave the federal security screener system and return to private screeners. The government took over airport screening after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks and is planning a transition for approved airports by spring or summer 2005.

"The issue of the long lines -- that's probably where we're most concerned about customer service issues," said Tara Hamilton, spokeswoman for the Metropolitan Washington Airports Authority."

Yes! Hell, fucking yes! As long as I don't have to wait in long lines at the airport, I don't care if they let the Iron Shiek, Kamala the Ugandan Giant, and Nicholai Volkhoff on the plane. Just get me to the church on time!

And speaking of getting to the church, I've been so inspired by the recent spike in privatization going on in our country that I've decided to step into the arena myself. That's right, I have decided to privatize my cock. Sorry, bitches, no more BJ's on the subway for the Caption Jockey. No more jerk jobs in the confession booth. No more tea bagging at the opera. No more joint sniffing in the locker room. No more salad tossing at Arby's. No more dick licking in the elevator. No more knob knocking in the alleyway. No more pacifiers for the toothless. No more Indian burns on the member. No more jabbing away in the library. No more. No more. No more.

It's now the private property of the D-ster. And neither of us could be more happy.