Groundhog Day
It hasn’t been a very good last couple of years for me. I could go through a veritible laundry list of reasons for this downswing, but I’d rather just leave it at that. I avoid looking at this blog much like I avoid looking at old yearbooks, redolent it is as a reminder of my own idleness, not to mention my self-perceived impotence and creeping obsolescence. Perhaps it’s the effect of a psychological tic by which I’m afflicted that keeps me from doing this work, one that holds me hostage to a certain nihilistic vanity – “Why, oh, why should I jot down these meaningless musings… in this meaningless medium… in this meaningliess world?” Why, indeed?
Well, for one thing, because it’s there. And another: When I read through the archives of this blog, as I have just now done, I am reminded of another, happier time (and lest the D-ster protest that I wasn’t happy, let me just say: Believe me, baby, I surely was). Maybe, just maybe, I’d be happier if I were writing again. Maybe that would ease the throbbing dullness I feel throughout my dreary daily existence. Maybe it would alleviate my concern that I am regressing intellectually while rapidly aging physically – on death’s fast track, as it were. As we know, time ticks on and new wars are begun.
I don’t know whether or not there has been suicide in my family, but there has certainly been depression. But is it depression, really, to have no motivation to endure yet another early-morning wake-up to move the car for fear that it will be ticketed or towed; yet another day slogging away at this computer at which I am currently perched; another day spent in this windowless and inconceivably drab room; another day smoking far too many cigarettes, feeling the grease gradually accumulate on my scalp; another day working solely to collect my biweekly paychecks, checks which have diminished in their monetary value of late; another day to fear going home, a fear based as much on a very acutely experienced awareness of “it all” as it is based on simple loneliness? Perhaps it’s not depression, but rather sanity.
I stopped taking the antidepressant I was on sometime last year due to my impression that its flattening psychological effects were dampening my overall vigor. Nonetheless, I haven’t yet climbed out of that hole. I don’t see the light, folks. But I swear I’m looking. And here’s to future posting on this blog.
The Caption Jockey
Well, for one thing, because it’s there. And another: When I read through the archives of this blog, as I have just now done, I am reminded of another, happier time (and lest the D-ster protest that I wasn’t happy, let me just say: Believe me, baby, I surely was). Maybe, just maybe, I’d be happier if I were writing again. Maybe that would ease the throbbing dullness I feel throughout my dreary daily existence. Maybe it would alleviate my concern that I am regressing intellectually while rapidly aging physically – on death’s fast track, as it were. As we know, time ticks on and new wars are begun.
I don’t know whether or not there has been suicide in my family, but there has certainly been depression. But is it depression, really, to have no motivation to endure yet another early-morning wake-up to move the car for fear that it will be ticketed or towed; yet another day slogging away at this computer at which I am currently perched; another day spent in this windowless and inconceivably drab room; another day smoking far too many cigarettes, feeling the grease gradually accumulate on my scalp; another day working solely to collect my biweekly paychecks, checks which have diminished in their monetary value of late; another day to fear going home, a fear based as much on a very acutely experienced awareness of “it all” as it is based on simple loneliness? Perhaps it’s not depression, but rather sanity.
I stopped taking the antidepressant I was on sometime last year due to my impression that its flattening psychological effects were dampening my overall vigor. Nonetheless, I haven’t yet climbed out of that hole. I don’t see the light, folks. But I swear I’m looking. And here’s to future posting on this blog.
The Caption Jockey
posted by captionjockey at 6:13 PM
